Meditation Retreats

Forget about small talk, make big talk a shortcut to feel connected and alive

Centered Meditation Co-Founder Nikki Janks explains why it might be best to open up more to what you do all week.

Let’s face it – getting out of lock wasn’t that easy. Especially for the introverts among us who were successful during hibernation.

Since our calendars quickly fill up with activities, arrangements and appointments (especially in the summer season), we had to jump back on the fitness train and brush up our social skills – fast!

To be honest, it’s exhausting! Being seen and social takes effort. Especially since we have this incessant need to fill any lack of sound bites with empty chat. It’s like being scared of silence and learning to avoid it at all costs. The fact that it is more commonly referred to as “awkward silence” says it all.

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So what do we do We do small talk.

The dictionary defines small talk as “polite conversation about unimportant or undisputed matters, especially at social events”. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? It is by no means a new phenomenon.

The anthropologist Bronisław Malinowski described Smalltalk almost 100 years ago as “pointless expressions of likes or dislikes, reports of irrelevant events and comments on what is perfectly obvious”.

It may save us from that dreaded embarrassment, but after a while it gets old and boring and downright tiring. So what options do we have?

Well, we couldn’t take the advice of none other than Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm to elevate our small talk to medium talk. Medium Talk invites us to add a more substantial layer to the conversation. To become real for a moment, even with an acquaintance or, let’s dare, with a stranger.

The good news is that it works! Research has shown that “medium talk” increases our well-being. In a study by the University of Arizona and Washington University, 30-second sound bites were recorded every 12.5 minutes over a period of four days. The results showed that the happiest participants had twice as many substantive conversations and a third as much small talk as the least happy participants. Definitely worth trying out!

What if we increased the stakes a little more to – you guessed it – “big talk”? It would mean settling into the perhaps less convenient affairs and getting dirty. The really real stuff.

It would mean stepping out of your comfort zone and sharing something personal. Be ready to tell the truth, be vulnerable and authentic. Reveal what is hidden behind the facade of our perfectly staged Instagram images.

It may seem scary and downright daunting at first. We understand it’s not that easy. That it takes encouragement, support, and practice.

Wondering where to start?

The next time you find yourself in a situation with someone you either know or don’t know well (be it a colleague, neighbor, friend, cafe owner, mother standing next to you when you pick it up) and you feel the urge to make small talk, challenge yourself to do big talk instead.

You can start with, “May I ask you a personal question”? And then when you get the green light, dive in with a question that really matters. One of those life changing, life saving questions that are simple yet profound: How are you really doing? What keeps you up at night Are you really happy with your life?

Our suggestion is to open up the floor by sharing your answer first to create a safe space for you to enter later. This takes self-confidence, courage and even initial discomfort, but trust us – it’s worth it!

We cannot speak to scientific data to demonstrate the benefits of “big talk,” but we can speak to the anecdotal evidence of the hundreds of people we have supported in our meditation and inner growth programs, retreats, and teacher training on the subject Years.

The reality is that something magical happens when we are busily engaged in a deep and meaningful conversation with another person. We are 100% present in the moment and it is as if time has stood still. We slide into the “flow” state and feel connected, satisfied, enlightened and alive. This is what life is about – we live for these moments!

And the best part about it? We can help create a social culture of authenticity, trust and deep understanding. Don’t underestimate the massive ripple effect this has on the world.

Nikki Janks is the co-founder of Centered Meditation. Together with her husband, they founded the world’s first drop-in meditation studio in the Sydney CBD, held meditation retreats and hosted hundreds of programs and workshops. Connect with them socially on Instagram or Facebook.

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